Is Self-Esteem Building or Breaking your Child?

Self-esteem is our personal evaluation of how good or bad we feel about ourselves. It is also rooted in your child’s feelings of competence, confidence and worthiness. Along with being key to their mental health and well-being.

When we talk about childhood, we often focus on learning to read, developing motor skills or learning to share. But there’s something deeper quietly forming in the background — shaping how your child learns, plays, and even how they see themselves in the world.

That something is self-esteem.
And it matters more than you might think.

What is self-esteem?

Put simply, self-esteem is how your child feels about themselves.
It’s their inner voice – the one that says:

• “I can do this.”
• “I am enough.”
• “Even when things go wrong, I’m still okay.”

It’s rooted in their sense of competence, confidence, and worthiness. And together, these shape everything from their resilience to their relationships, their willingness to try new things, and their ability to bounce back when things go wrong.

In short?
Self-esteem is a cornerstone of mental health and emotional well-being.

How self-esteem is built (or broken)

Children aren’t born with a strong or fragile self-esteem.
It’s built, moment by moment, through the interactions and experiences that fill their days.

• When your child tries something new and you cheer them on – that builds self-esteem.
• When they make a mistake and you stay calm and kind – that builds self-esteem.
• When they feel seen, valued, and accepted – even on their toughest days – that builds self-esteem.

But it can be chipped away just as easily.
By harsh words, constant correction, or being made to feel not good enough. Even when we don’t mean to, our reactions can send messages that shape their inner story.

Self-esteem isn’t about praise

Now, this isn’t about flooding your child with “Good job!” every five minutes.
True self-esteem doesn’t come from being told you’re amazing. It comes from:

• Feeling capable – “I can do this.”
• Feeling loved – “I matter.”
• Feeling trusted – “You believe in me.”

So instead of praise for the sake of it, focus on encouragement rooted in their effort and growth:

• “You kept trying, even when it was tricky.”
• “That was kind of you.”
• “You worked so hard on that.”

This helps your child internalise positive beliefs about themselves – not just from what you say, but how you say it.

Why it matters

A child with healthy self-esteem is more likely to:

• Take risks in learning
• Build positive relationships
• Cope with failure and setbacks
• Seek help when needed
• Stand up for themselves and others

They’re not perfect. They still get upset, frustrated, or overwhelmed.
But at their core, they feel okay being who they are.

And that’s the real goal, isn’t it?

How you can support your child’s self-esteem

You don’t need to be perfect. Just present.

Here are a few ways to nurture self-esteem every day:

• Listen – really listen when they speak. It tells them their voice matters.
• Notice effort – not just outcomes. Celebrate the trying, not just the succeeding.
• Model self-kindness – how you speak about yourself teaches them how to speak about themselves.
• Hold safe boundaries – consistency builds trust and security.
• Love unconditionally – remind them, in words and actions, that they are loved just as they are.

In the end…

Your child’s self-esteem is quietly shaping the person they’re becoming.
It’s not about making them feel special all the time – it’s about helping them feel secure, capable, and valued.

Because when a child believes in themselves, they’re free to grow, explore, and thrive.

And that? That’s everything.

Dr Kathryn Peckham is an Early Childhood Consultant, author and researcher and the founder of Nurturing Childhoods and the Nurturing Childhoods Academy.  Providing all the knowledge, understanding and support you need to nurture the children in your life.